I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
If I die, sorry about rent.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
