I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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