well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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