Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Less talking, more tequila
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
