So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
