Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
