my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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