He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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