your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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