I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
