i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
