i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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