So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
i think my cat just said my name.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
