We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
