saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
We talked him into tasing himself.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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