I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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