You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
