I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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