you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
