When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
