So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I wear drunk well.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
