sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
