Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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