There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
pop tarts are not kleenex
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
