Pants 0. Shit 1.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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