I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
