I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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