I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
