There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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