yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
