The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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