I am midnight drunk by noon
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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