I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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