Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
