Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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