you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
