I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
