OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
