I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
