I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
