I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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