my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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