I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
