I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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