I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Randomize
