Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
