just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
