i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
In other news, I just burned my penis
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Two words: blizzard sex
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
