YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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