between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
