SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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